The Laymans Review of Excrutiating Tooth Torture: Growing Pain...in the arse

Excerpt from the Book "Home Surgery: The Do's and Don'ts" By Moana Whines

• T is for Tooth

Your teeth are located within the mouth. They are hard and used during the eating process to shred or tear the material placed between them via skillful maneuvers of the tongue. Sometimes they are used for extra-masticatory nibbling. If you begin to experience a pain around or near your teeth, this is sometimes related to a problem with your teeth.

• G is for growing pains and M is for made-up.

If your face begins to swell, and the gum becomes inflamed, engulfing you in a nauseating pain that causes you to become an ogre with a short fuse and a partial speech impediment, there is a problem with your teeth; not your imagination.

• Home remedies:

1. Leave it alone until growing pain subsides. High fail rate.
2. Take Ibuprofen. A drug designed to relieve pain but taken with the intention of curing a deadly infection. (Gum infection has not been deadly in the country of your residence since 1912). High fail rate.

• Proven cure:

1. Dentist. Then Doctor. Then Dentist again for soothing reassurance. Week of (life saving) (since 1912) antibiotics and time off work.

The Layman's Review of Riot Police: Keeping it Brutal- The Way Riots Should Be.

Growing fears over the employment of riot police are grounded in fact. Fewer are being hired because protests just aren't what they used to be, and in the face of recent economic downturn and plummeting employment figures the lack of violence at protests only adds to the strain.

However as part of the government's new plan to counter rising unemployment in the civil sector and create jobs, riot police are now being given permission and indeed incentive to start riots, stimulating a need for more police.

One policeman commented " I get £50 for every friend who joins; like the sky box offer". Another said " I really agree with the new scheme. I must say that extreme violence is one of my guilty pleasures, and by joining the riot police I've met so many others with similar interests to mine".

A thriving source for new police is emerging with the increased demand. British prisons, which have for so long been over-flowing are now producing top notch experts in the field of brutality, having let their talents mature in the big house. One less thing for the public to worry about.

The central goal of this new legislation is quite clear. Have officers begin riots to increase demands for riot police as the violence turns up. At the same time Britain can reaclimatise ex-criminals into society allowing them artistic creativity and a chance to employ their unique skills. As a result not only will we have more riot police, but more effective ones and emptier prisons. Things are looking up for a country that for a while seemed to be condemned to relive medieval times, as another iron-clad plan comes to fruition.