Lost? Me Too!

Members of the cast are recognisable- snippets of incoherent and convoluted storyline reach you through a multitude of conscious and sub-conscious channels leaving you with a dream-like, past life familiarity of the show, but you've never actually seen it.

This sinister permeation is more than enough to convince me that Lost cannot be a good thing, and is indeed evil. To my mind anything that has its' popularity driven by a hidden propaganda machine- an 'organ of evil' if you will- should be regarded with suspicion. Call it paranoia if you want, my doctor did, but not before he told me about the latest episode!

Lost has never appealed to me. Maybe it's because of the shows' sales pitch in which a lack of subtlety was and continues to be a major theme. Tropical island + hot babes + grizzly men = appalling TV.

I've even sat down and watched a bit of the ridiculous spinning storyline which has obviously grown beyond the control of its' writers in a Frankensteinesque manner. However it seems that I am completely wrong. My friends and acquaintances are constantly arguing its' merits, to the point where they become frustrated, angry and dismissive. These mood swings only serve to make me back away further as they are obvious signs of brainwashing. Lack of coherent argument but extreme conviction means that once thinking individuals have become the minions of the 'organ of evil', with a dead look in their eye and the mantra on their tongue,"have you seen the new episode of Lost?".

Most worryingly it's spreading. Now when I'm watching T.V I see adverts in which main characters tell me "I never allow myself to look tired". In another I see one promoting cologne, etc. Why are they so muscly? Why do they never look tired? Because they are robots. Stubbly gruff robots here to make a TV empire; but I will not fall. Until I absolutely need to know what's going on and go into a Lost binge wasting a lot of money for what?To fill the empty hole inside, because ultimately like you dear reader and everyone else, I'm a robot too.

Apology Demand for Demanded Apology: America's Tianamen Gaffe

The Chinese government was outraged last week by the diplomatic blundering of America. At the centre of this new pitfall in Sino-American relations is Hilary Clinton who is reported to have asked the Chinese government to acknowledge its' part in the Tianamen Square 'incident' that happened ages ago. How could a state or one of its' representatives be so callous and reckless? "Only in America could such irresponsibility infest the upper echelons of the State Control Machine" said Xiao Li, Division 21 F Chinese Peripheral Party Bureau for the Monitoring of Central Beijing Bureaucracy.

Hilary Clinton's statements give the impression that the international community regards the Chinese government's attitude towards its people now and in the past as immoral. This kind of thinking and the voicing of these opinions could lead to major destabilisation within China and thus jeopardize the Party's credibility and its' foundations. For years the Chinese government has been working diligently and in the interests of its' people to censor any sort of knowledge of the event in Tianamen square. If the people knew about the Party errors then they would not want the party, and if they did not have the party then how would they fare? We must enforce the party by any means for their own good; that's how the whole process began.

Comments from eminent people like Hilary Clinton therefore completely undermine all those efforts and result in a reversion of national spirit and a huge waste of money in terms of censorship activities- all that tippex down the drain.

China has thus issued a demand for an apology for being asked to apologise for something that they wish everyone would just forget.

By Brian Washed

Dictator Wins Election- Everyone Surprised!

For the last few days Iran has been in turmoil over the surprise results of last week's dictatorial election. Ahmadinnerjacket's landslide victory has caused ferocious backlash from the opposition and sympathetic consternation from much of the international community, excluding Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez who sends his congratulations to the re-elected President.

(Notice the sharpened canines- good for piercing the flesh and sucking the blood!)

The dramatic run up to the Iran's voting day gave the impression that most of the country's population were involved in some sort of political process which when finished would give a fair representation of what the general public wanted from their rulers. For some reason everyone forgot who the process was hosted by.

In a break from Iran's usual liberal atmosphere, post election protests and accusations have been brutally suppressed. Mr Hammerninjahead's government has also implemented a media blackout, denying the population ongoing information about their collective plight. Mr Ahmadinjemad? Armydungeonad? The President of Iran himself has said that the blatant repression of those he is responsible for is "free and fair"- at no extra cost to the public, tax payers will be pleased with the complimentary violence provided by the state.

That wily pair, the Ayatollah Mr. Khamenei and Mr A. certainly had the world going though. For a long time the illusion of Democracy was maintained until the climactic moment when the two dashed the hopes of not only their own people, but many others around the world- a practical joke gone wrong?

Rather than reaffirming their position in Iran, this mock election has only made the ruling party appear even more insane than before. Of course the Iranian government's previous attempts at international PR seem to suggest that insane is the brand they are going for, and we can therefore only assume that they are marketing savants, and that this is their masterstroke.

By Mrs Kate O' Verthefacts

Holiday In North Korea

Stressed out? Tired of work? Is your boss getting you down? Is your consciousness awakening to the realities of your unequal Capitalist Society?

• You need a Holiday in the Socialist Paradise of The Democratic People's Republic of North Korea!

Internationally acclaimed and world renowned The Government of North Korea promises that once you come to visit you'll never leave.

North Korea has a bustling Cultural life with one of the most unique literary communities in the world. Read some of the Leaders thousands of works and marvel not only at the elegance of his style and its variety, (covering a spectrum from party doctrine to Tom Clancy style military fantasy) but also the sheer volume as he churns out over 90% of the country's written works.

Alternatively if you're looking for something more active or just want to tone up for the summer, you can join one our many 'Holiday' Camps where you'll lose weight so fast you'll be as amazed as you are emaciated. You won't be short for activities as the camps have a large range of things to do from gaining muslce in our 'Fun Labour' workshops to participating in scavenger hunts and looking for food! If you want to meet some of the locals it's just perfect as it's so popular with our own population that you'll be surronded by literally tens of thousands of them!

Brazil has it's Carnivals, China has its New Years fire works, but North Korea's Nuclear Tests are Guaranteed to blow you away!

(Peoples Rebuplic Comittee for Tourism, Leisure Activities and the Production and Regulation of Egalitarian Aquatic Defense Systems)