Lost? Me Too!

Members of the cast are recognisable- snippets of incoherent and convoluted storyline reach you through a multitude of conscious and sub-conscious channels leaving you with a dream-like, past life familiarity of the show, but you've never actually seen it.

This sinister permeation is more than enough to convince me that Lost cannot be a good thing, and is indeed evil. To my mind anything that has its' popularity driven by a hidden propaganda machine- an 'organ of evil' if you will- should be regarded with suspicion. Call it paranoia if you want, my doctor did, but not before he told me about the latest episode!

Lost has never appealed to me. Maybe it's because of the shows' sales pitch in which a lack of subtlety was and continues to be a major theme. Tropical island + hot babes + grizzly men = appalling TV.

I've even sat down and watched a bit of the ridiculous spinning storyline which has obviously grown beyond the control of its' writers in a Frankensteinesque manner. However it seems that I am completely wrong. My friends and acquaintances are constantly arguing its' merits, to the point where they become frustrated, angry and dismissive. These mood swings only serve to make me back away further as they are obvious signs of brainwashing. Lack of coherent argument but extreme conviction means that once thinking individuals have become the minions of the 'organ of evil', with a dead look in their eye and the mantra on their tongue,"have you seen the new episode of Lost?".

Most worryingly it's spreading. Now when I'm watching T.V I see adverts in which main characters tell me "I never allow myself to look tired". In another I see one promoting cologne, etc. Why are they so muscly? Why do they never look tired? Because they are robots. Stubbly gruff robots here to make a TV empire; but I will not fall. Until I absolutely need to know what's going on and go into a Lost binge wasting a lot of money for what?To fill the empty hole inside, because ultimately like you dear reader and everyone else, I'm a robot too.

Apology Demand for Demanded Apology: America's Tianamen Gaffe

The Chinese government was outraged last week by the diplomatic blundering of America. At the centre of this new pitfall in Sino-American relations is Hilary Clinton who is reported to have asked the Chinese government to acknowledge its' part in the Tianamen Square 'incident' that happened ages ago. How could a state or one of its' representatives be so callous and reckless? "Only in America could such irresponsibility infest the upper echelons of the State Control Machine" said Xiao Li, Division 21 F Chinese Peripheral Party Bureau for the Monitoring of Central Beijing Bureaucracy.

Hilary Clinton's statements give the impression that the international community regards the Chinese government's attitude towards its people now and in the past as immoral. This kind of thinking and the voicing of these opinions could lead to major destabilisation within China and thus jeopardize the Party's credibility and its' foundations. For years the Chinese government has been working diligently and in the interests of its' people to censor any sort of knowledge of the event in Tianamen square. If the people knew about the Party errors then they would not want the party, and if they did not have the party then how would they fare? We must enforce the party by any means for their own good; that's how the whole process began.

Comments from eminent people like Hilary Clinton therefore completely undermine all those efforts and result in a reversion of national spirit and a huge waste of money in terms of censorship activities- all that tippex down the drain.

China has thus issued a demand for an apology for being asked to apologise for something that they wish everyone would just forget.

By Brian Washed

Dictator Wins Election- Everyone Surprised!

For the last few days Iran has been in turmoil over the surprise results of last week's dictatorial election. Ahmadinnerjacket's landslide victory has caused ferocious backlash from the opposition and sympathetic consternation from much of the international community, excluding Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez who sends his congratulations to the re-elected President.

(Notice the sharpened canines- good for piercing the flesh and sucking the blood!)

The dramatic run up to the Iran's voting day gave the impression that most of the country's population were involved in some sort of political process which when finished would give a fair representation of what the general public wanted from their rulers. For some reason everyone forgot who the process was hosted by.

In a break from Iran's usual liberal atmosphere, post election protests and accusations have been brutally suppressed. Mr Hammerninjahead's government has also implemented a media blackout, denying the population ongoing information about their collective plight. Mr Ahmadinjemad? Armydungeonad? The President of Iran himself has said that the blatant repression of those he is responsible for is "free and fair"- at no extra cost to the public, tax payers will be pleased with the complimentary violence provided by the state.

That wily pair, the Ayatollah Mr. Khamenei and Mr A. certainly had the world going though. For a long time the illusion of Democracy was maintained until the climactic moment when the two dashed the hopes of not only their own people, but many others around the world- a practical joke gone wrong?

Rather than reaffirming their position in Iran, this mock election has only made the ruling party appear even more insane than before. Of course the Iranian government's previous attempts at international PR seem to suggest that insane is the brand they are going for, and we can therefore only assume that they are marketing savants, and that this is their masterstroke.

By Mrs Kate O' Verthefacts

Holiday In North Korea

Stressed out? Tired of work? Is your boss getting you down? Is your consciousness awakening to the realities of your unequal Capitalist Society?

• You need a Holiday in the Socialist Paradise of The Democratic People's Republic of North Korea!

Internationally acclaimed and world renowned The Government of North Korea promises that once you come to visit you'll never leave.

North Korea has a bustling Cultural life with one of the most unique literary communities in the world. Read some of the Leaders thousands of works and marvel not only at the elegance of his style and its variety, (covering a spectrum from party doctrine to Tom Clancy style military fantasy) but also the sheer volume as he churns out over 90% of the country's written works.

Alternatively if you're looking for something more active or just want to tone up for the summer, you can join one our many 'Holiday' Camps where you'll lose weight so fast you'll be as amazed as you are emaciated. You won't be short for activities as the camps have a large range of things to do from gaining muslce in our 'Fun Labour' workshops to participating in scavenger hunts and looking for food! If you want to meet some of the locals it's just perfect as it's so popular with our own population that you'll be surronded by literally tens of thousands of them!

Brazil has it's Carnivals, China has its New Years fire works, but North Korea's Nuclear Tests are Guaranteed to blow you away!

(Peoples Rebuplic Comittee for Tourism, Leisure Activities and the Production and Regulation of Egalitarian Aquatic Defense Systems)

The Laymans Review of Excrutiating Tooth Torture: Growing Pain...in the arse

Excerpt from the Book "Home Surgery: The Do's and Don'ts" By Moana Whines

• T is for Tooth

Your teeth are located within the mouth. They are hard and used during the eating process to shred or tear the material placed between them via skillful maneuvers of the tongue. Sometimes they are used for extra-masticatory nibbling. If you begin to experience a pain around or near your teeth, this is sometimes related to a problem with your teeth.

• G is for growing pains and M is for made-up.

If your face begins to swell, and the gum becomes inflamed, engulfing you in a nauseating pain that causes you to become an ogre with a short fuse and a partial speech impediment, there is a problem with your teeth; not your imagination.

• Home remedies:

1. Leave it alone until growing pain subsides. High fail rate.
2. Take Ibuprofen. A drug designed to relieve pain but taken with the intention of curing a deadly infection. (Gum infection has not been deadly in the country of your residence since 1912). High fail rate.

• Proven cure:

1. Dentist. Then Doctor. Then Dentist again for soothing reassurance. Week of (life saving) (since 1912) antibiotics and time off work.

The Layman's Review of Riot Police: Keeping it Brutal- The Way Riots Should Be.

Growing fears over the employment of riot police are grounded in fact. Fewer are being hired because protests just aren't what they used to be, and in the face of recent economic downturn and plummeting employment figures the lack of violence at protests only adds to the strain.

However as part of the government's new plan to counter rising unemployment in the civil sector and create jobs, riot police are now being given permission and indeed incentive to start riots, stimulating a need for more police.

One policeman commented " I get £50 for every friend who joins; like the sky box offer". Another said " I really agree with the new scheme. I must say that extreme violence is one of my guilty pleasures, and by joining the riot police I've met so many others with similar interests to mine".

A thriving source for new police is emerging with the increased demand. British prisons, which have for so long been over-flowing are now producing top notch experts in the field of brutality, having let their talents mature in the big house. One less thing for the public to worry about.

The central goal of this new legislation is quite clear. Have officers begin riots to increase demands for riot police as the violence turns up. At the same time Britain can reaclimatise ex-criminals into society allowing them artistic creativity and a chance to employ their unique skills. As a result not only will we have more riot police, but more effective ones and emptier prisons. Things are looking up for a country that for a while seemed to be condemned to relive medieval times, as another iron-clad plan comes to fruition.

The Layman's Review of Swine Flu: Media Paranoia Kills Billions! (Of Brain Cells).

Swine flu is crossing the globe and will soon eradicate all intelligent life on earth; if there is any left. Medical correspondant Dr. Phil Popper reports.

Swine Flu is obviously a serious issue and its spread and development are to be carefully followed and analysed. However the most deadly element of the virus is not the flu itself but a by product in the form of media coverage.

Everywhere a sufferer looks they may see articles or hear stories about a virus that will kill humanity. Unfortunatley it is the articles themselves that finish you off.

When put into two seperate test chambers a man suffering from Swine Flu and a healthy man were observed. The man with the Flu was given medical treatment and lots of rest. The second man was given a copy of a daily newspaper. As the days passed we saw a strange reversal in the patients health. The man with Swine Flu slowly recovered, regaining his health and was soon fully restored. The second unfortunate looked wan and pale from his very first reading of the Daily Mail. His dour expression persisted until he entered the second stage of blind panic, convinced that the imminent pandemic would push house prices right down! Eventually a few hours later he simply lost the will to live.

Swine Flu is dangerous but as you can see the real danger lies in the globe's growing rates of literacy, entitling anyone to read and write. Who's the real Swine?

CulturaLay Informative: Introduction to our New Segment

Dear avid reader. CulturaLay Informative is a section that will consider the history and general goings-on of certain places around the world as they come to light (in many cases hundreds of years after they have happened) to the cultural correspondants here at The Layman's Review.

Our Head Cultural Correspondant is fittingly of a very mixed background claiming heritage from both China and Ireland. So please stop in to read the wildy speculative but extremely confident musings of Professor Xen O' Phobe.

Advertisment for The Layman's Review: Claus von Bondt- Germany's Number 3 Spy

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Claus von Bondt in: Moonraker II. Return of zer Rake.

Rated R for rip off.

The Layman's Guide to Student Politique

Of late my colleagues in the Union and I have been working tirelessly to offer better conditions to the students at our institution. By campaigning endlessly to ensure our plight is publicised, I have personally had to appear in the media and eloquently shout down any resistance to our cause; for after all what is the use of clever slogans and complicated doctrine unless you say it loud enough? I will not stop my campaign until my name appears in every email and my face appears on every flier! Do you see how dedicated I am to our cause? My efforts should be an example to you all.

Despite my numerous personal sacrifices I am more than willing to accept yet another year as a Union officer working the strenuous hours required of the position, in order to fully represent our needs and basic rights as the new and most informed generation! Comrades, who benefits more from occupation of University buildings and constant mass rallies than you? Not only do you fight for you rights, but you also convey your individuality and seperatness from the system by participating in group formations and synchronised chanting; what "normal" person does that?

Re-elect me and let's see if we can beat the 123% majority I won by last time, your favourite student representative William Abdul-Aziz X

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Layman's step by step Guide to Epistemology with Descartes

Ah bonjour, welcome in my 'ome.

One day I 'ave a dream dat err make me sink zat I am awake. I waz, maybe a little beet sitting by ze fire et reading ze book and it make me feel, zat zis sings are, err, really 'appening, non? When I am waking I first zink to myself , "oh Descartes you 'ave had too much of ze sweet gruyere before making sleep" but non! Now I zink again, if ze mind can make me zink I am in ze real world, zen how do I know that I 'ave not all the time dreaming? I tell my mosser and she 'as said to me, "bloody 'ell, what a mind bender".

Anyway, I 'ave now to go. I am making ze party: jus' for fun! I 'ave finish ze story later and wan I return I shall tell to you more.

Au revoir,

Rene

A Layman's Haiku

No more sun today,
The cold wind blew it away,
OMG this sucks.

By A. Dolescent