The Layman's Review of Swine Flu: Media Paranoia Kills Billions! (Of Brain Cells).

Swine flu is crossing the globe and will soon eradicate all intelligent life on earth; if there is any left. Medical correspondant Dr. Phil Popper reports.

Swine Flu is obviously a serious issue and its spread and development are to be carefully followed and analysed. However the most deadly element of the virus is not the flu itself but a by product in the form of media coverage.

Everywhere a sufferer looks they may see articles or hear stories about a virus that will kill humanity. Unfortunatley it is the articles themselves that finish you off.

When put into two seperate test chambers a man suffering from Swine Flu and a healthy man were observed. The man with the Flu was given medical treatment and lots of rest. The second man was given a copy of a daily newspaper. As the days passed we saw a strange reversal in the patients health. The man with Swine Flu slowly recovered, regaining his health and was soon fully restored. The second unfortunate looked wan and pale from his very first reading of the Daily Mail. His dour expression persisted until he entered the second stage of blind panic, convinced that the imminent pandemic would push house prices right down! Eventually a few hours later he simply lost the will to live.

Swine Flu is dangerous but as you can see the real danger lies in the globe's growing rates of literacy, entitling anyone to read and write. Who's the real Swine?

CulturaLay Informative: Introduction to our New Segment

Dear avid reader. CulturaLay Informative is a section that will consider the history and general goings-on of certain places around the world as they come to light (in many cases hundreds of years after they have happened) to the cultural correspondants here at The Layman's Review.

Our Head Cultural Correspondant is fittingly of a very mixed background claiming heritage from both China and Ireland. So please stop in to read the wildy speculative but extremely confident musings of Professor Xen O' Phobe.

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Claus von Bondt in: Moonraker II. Return of zer Rake.

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The Layman's Guide to Student Politique

Of late my colleagues in the Union and I have been working tirelessly to offer better conditions to the students at our institution. By campaigning endlessly to ensure our plight is publicised, I have personally had to appear in the media and eloquently shout down any resistance to our cause; for after all what is the use of clever slogans and complicated doctrine unless you say it loud enough? I will not stop my campaign until my name appears in every email and my face appears on every flier! Do you see how dedicated I am to our cause? My efforts should be an example to you all.

Despite my numerous personal sacrifices I am more than willing to accept yet another year as a Union officer working the strenuous hours required of the position, in order to fully represent our needs and basic rights as the new and most informed generation! Comrades, who benefits more from occupation of University buildings and constant mass rallies than you? Not only do you fight for you rights, but you also convey your individuality and seperatness from the system by participating in group formations and synchronised chanting; what "normal" person does that?

Re-elect me and let's see if we can beat the 123% majority I won by last time, your favourite student representative William Abdul-Aziz X

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Layman's step by step Guide to Epistemology with Descartes

Ah bonjour, welcome in my 'ome.

One day I 'ave a dream dat err make me sink zat I am awake. I waz, maybe a little beet sitting by ze fire et reading ze book and it make me feel, zat zis sings are, err, really 'appening, non? When I am waking I first zink to myself , "oh Descartes you 'ave had too much of ze sweet gruyere before making sleep" but non! Now I zink again, if ze mind can make me zink I am in ze real world, zen how do I know that I 'ave not all the time dreaming? I tell my mosser and she 'as said to me, "bloody 'ell, what a mind bender".

Anyway, I 'ave now to go. I am making ze party: jus' for fun! I 'ave finish ze story later and wan I return I shall tell to you more.

Au revoir,

Rene

A Layman's Haiku

No more sun today,
The cold wind blew it away,
OMG this sucks.

By A. Dolescent